Lettres à la Lune
by Rasiaa
Summary: We spend our days surviving, not living, and though life inside the walls is hardly a life, it is better than this. This fear, this blood, this constant moving and constant planning. It is just as much a prison as the world inside the walls.


_The poem is Attente by Martine Morillon-Carreau, a French poet. The translation is at the bottom of the story._

* * *

To you,

It's always in the same place. Never shifting, like everything else. It is the only constant I can count on.

Even you shift and die and are reborn. But it- it never does.

It'll never leave me. Something has always told me that. Even in the short time I thought I had lost everything, I knew that. It's an instinct, almost.

A damn odd one, but an instinct nevertheless. At least that's what Eren says.

I'm looking at it now, at its unwavering presence. I'm the only one who takes the time to stop and actually look at the sky above us, at the ground below us. We must look like Titans to the bugs that live in the grass. What a terrifying thought.

Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking, writing, when I should be sleeping?

The lure of my forbidden book is a strong one. The book calls it the North Star.

…

To you,

Tonight, you are gone. It's a monthly ritual, I know, but I cannot find anything in this god-forsaken world that would explain to me why. I am desperate for answers.

What are the stars? Why are they there?

What goes beyond these walls? Are there more stars?

Could I still see you? Could I still see the sun?

I will know soon enough. Graduation is in a few months, and then I will join Eren and Mikasa in the Survey Corps. I'm terrified, you know.

I want to go out there, but I do not want the threat. My parents went out there anyway, and so do those people in the Survey Corps. One to see the world, one to fight the threat. I will be doing both.

Eren would laugh if he ever saw me like this. I'm shaking like a leaf in the wind, my penmanship suffering. Just thinking about facing the Titans again makes me want to die.

But I have to. For Eren.

…

To you,

There was a note pressed into one of the oldest books in the library. On it, a language I cannot hope to comprehend. At least, I believe it is another language. I have only heard of such things in my illegal book, but have never seen or heard one.

Here is what it said:

 **F** ourvoyés  
comme en étrange rêve  
et sans éveil  
sans frontières  
fourvoyés

Passant repassant traces  
à mesure oubliées  
tous les chemins s'effacent  
tous portant figure  
portant noms familiers tous  
eux chemins de déroute  
attestent l'égarement

Menace  
entre les ombres qui s'évitent  
une attente

It looks very pretty, no matter the language. Even if it nonsense. I pressed the paper into my book and hid them both away. I really wish I could understand it.

…

To you,

Let the flames begin, someone had said. It sent chills up my spine.

We graduated this morning, and in a few days' time, we will choose which of the regiments to join. My choice has been set in stone since the day I joined, but I rather wish I hadn't joined in the first place. Every day I get closer to the Titans and the outside world, and every day my anxiety rises. It is not that I don't want to make a difference in the world, but it is that I have seen so many fail, and, as weak as I am, I cannot bring myself to believe that I can be of my help.

This is not fair. I'm fifteen. I should not be fighting for my life.

Teenagers mentioned in my illegal book often listened to music or went out with friends and went to school. It sounds like a heaven I can never reach.

…

To you,

I wish you could talk to me. I need guidance more than ever, but whom am I supposed to go to when I have no parental figure in my life?

I hate my parents for leaving me. I hate them for dreaming. I hate them so much I want to cry. As much as I would like to, the tears don't come. I want to kill them for what they did to me, but they are already dead. They paid for their mistake, but I was too young to realize that, and I had grieved for them.

I wish you could guide me through this.

Eren- oh, Eren. He kissed me.

I don't know what to do.

Captain Levi ended his speech this morning with, "Dead is the new alive," and I cannot help but think that it is true. If there is something after this, surely it must be better.

Surely I would not have to deal with Titans, or my best friends' infatuation with me.

He had looked so devastated when I pulled away and ran. I will never forgive myself.

I have wanted to die before, but with Captain's words ringing in my ears and Eren's face flashing through my mind, I want it more than I want the outside world's freedom.

…

To you,

I have never seen a deer before, alive. But I saw one today.

It was the most beautiful thing, leaning over the small stream. It had been alone. Someone had moved and spooked it, but I don't think I'll ever forget the sight.

It reminded me of the world we're supposed to be fighting for. Will there come a time when I will see a deer in my backyard and not the walls of our imprisoned people?

If it comes, I hope I am alive to see it.

I probably won't be.

…

To you,

Eren is not the same, and I feel so guilty. We barely speak anymore.

The stars are of no assistance. Neither will you be.

We spend our days surviving, not living, and though life inside the walls is hardly a life, it is better than this. This fear, this blood, this constant moving and constant planning. It is just as much a prison as the world inside the walls. I told Mikasa that and she had just stared at me, and she didn't say a word.

I don't believe she has forgiven me for breaking Eren's heart.

Captain Levi overheard my comment and had treated me with that same, measured look that Mikasa had given me, and if it weren't for the alarm sounding for a ten-meter the next minute and the explosion of adrenaline, I am certain I would have been spoken to. I do not delude myself into thinking it has been forgotten.

What would they have done? The people who lived before the Titians, I mean. It sounds to me that they were stronger than we are. Could they had fought and won, had they known what we know now?

It is a question not many ask, and it is a question that will forever remain unanswered.

…

To you,

I looked to the sky and saw you there, in the middle of the day.

It was a surreal experience, but I said nothing to anyone.

No one looks up unless it is to a Titan anyway.

…

To you,

It has been three years sine I wrote to you last, and that is because we won.

It had been very unexpected. We stumbled into a building on the edge of a forest unexplored, and in there were the keys to the Titans.

Three weeks later and every one of them were gone.

Eren used his key on the basement and found a disappointment: it required a code we did not have. If his father had been alive- well.

That is a very big "what if", even now.

…I am not obligated to spill my secrets to you, who will never receive these letters, but I feel like I should say that I kissed him back.

That last day- I did. I don't know why, but I do know his feelings aren't really one-sided, as insane as it sounds. I don't think that I will ever love him as much as he obviously loves me, and I think he knows it and it hurts him, but we will be okay.

I do not long for death the way I used to.

…

To you,

The ocean is beautiful. It is violent, more than I expected, but it is everything I imagined and so much more.

We can't drink the water, though.

We discovered that the hard way.

I still haven't found the ice-lands or the firewater, but that's alright. I have a feeling I will never find them, but knowing that I can run through the forests and over the fields without my gear and without any fear is enough.

Eren adores it. He's drunk on the feeling of freedom.

It's breathtaking to watch.

There's so much out there and we've barely scratched the surface. I can't wait.

* * *

misled  
as strange dream  
without awakening  
without limits  
misled

Passing ironing traces  
as forgotten  
all paths disappear  
all bearing face  
with familiar names all  
their paths rout  
attest astray

threat  
between the shadows that prevent  
expectation


End file.
